A few years have passed since our family rented paddleboards in Deep Cove. I will do almost anything to be with my family, although I have not tried scuba diving with our oldest son yet. Since that family adventure, I have wanted my own paddleboard to enjoy, despite my fear of deeper water.
When I was a child our family visited the Oregon coast. I remember vividly swimming one beautiful day near the shore, only to have an unexpectedly large wave hit the beach with a force that pulled me out to sea as it retreated. I remember being in utter panic as I was surrounded by a school of fish, unable to rise to the surface. The next wave became my rescue, pushing me back towards shore. Since that time I have been terrified of the ocean and its force. I have always found rest, sitting by the sea, as my toes dig into the warm sand, and my butt remains firmly planted on my lawn chair. That was good enough for me! Yet I love adventure and I was not satisfied with how fear kept me from experiencing new things.
I have tried various water activities as an adult, each one ending in a panic attack, further instilling that I was simply meant to enjoy the water from the land. One year, while in Mexico with my husband we rented a jet ski. It was not too long before I was screaming for him to slow down while all four of my appendages held on for dear life. What should have been an exciting adventure caused me to be on the verge of a complete emotional meltdown, not to mention the wasted rental fee.
Having a family house on Mayne Island also brought opportunities to move beyond my fear. Yet I still have my limits that I am not afraid to voice. My brother’s sailboat was not allowed to tip too far to the side or he would have a wreck of a sister on his hands. But when the water was calm my favourite spot was sitting on the front deck with my feet splashing in the water as we sailed along. Oh that was sweet, as the gentle sea breeze kept me cool in the heat.
Then one day my husband had plans to buy himself a kayak. He did not even ask me if I wanted one, as he assumed I wouldn’t. But I let him know there was no way he was buying one for his grand adventures without me. I also wanted things for him and me to bond over as we reached that stage of an empty nest. So I didn’t care how afraid I was, we were doing this together! He was so patient with me as we would reach the end of the bay. As we approached open waters once again the tear-filled panic would surface, and nothing I could do would settle it. So instead of continuing his adventure to round the point, there we would sit, just floating, while he helped to restore my sense of calm.
I’m now able to round the point and I have even ridden the ferry waves, which is really fun. We do have whales in the waters off the island and I try not to think about the photos I have seen online where people’s kayaks have balanced on the back of a whale. I will never forget the day when some large air bubbles reached the surface right between our kayaks. My husband said to me, oh so calmly, “Do you know what mammals are air-breathing?” To which I took off paddling with everything my arms could endure. I still have room to grow, but I am growing.
While paddleboarding in Deep Cove a few years ago I learned something very valuable. I fell in. I experienced my dreaded fear, only to realize it was not so bad. Sometimes we are so afraid to step out, to take a risk, to fail. We allow the fear of the unknown to intimidate us, and so we remain where we are, but firmly planted in our controlled perception of safety. I have learned that finding the freedom to fall in or to fail while trying, will set you up to know freedom, growth and joy.
We just purchased two paddleboards, with our first outing last Sunday. As I stood to my feet every muscle in my body shook, and I was sure I was about to land in the water. I fell forward onto my knees while thinking, “Oh no, I am not going to be able to do this, what a waste of money!” But then I remembered the lesson I learned in Deep Cove. Falling in was not as scary as I thought. My doubt turned to resolve, “I can do this!” I was going to enjoy myself whether I felt like it or not. It was not too long before we were laughing and I could not stop telling Stephen how happy I was that we bought these for my 50th birthday. Today was our second time on the ocean, and I stood to my feet, muscles calm, with my sight fixed on the destination.
Little by little I have conquered this fear and in exchange, I have experienced a ton of joy, and lots of adventures with my husband, instead of sitting on the couch. Now I guess the next thing to conquer is to see God’s creation below the surface of the water and scuba dive with our son.